The Eloquence of Confusion

Citizens, our country is in need of drastic change. We should acknowledge that state spending must be cut in order to heave this country out of the deepening abyss of debt. In order to restore our country to its former glory, a major overhaul of the system is necessary. Moreover, there is clear evidence that we are suffering as a result of climate change. Fossil fuels can no longer be the answer - we must find alternative fuel if we are not only to reverse this global crisis, but create a much more self-sufficient state to avoid diplomatic conflict. To avert such impending catastrophes, the needs of the many must take precedence over the needs of the few.

I therefore offer this humble solution, aptly named “The efficient utilisation of expiring populatory resources for the overall amelioration of society”. By relocating those over the age of 70 years to a governmental facility supplied with the bare minimum of commodities, the rest of you, citizens, shall be able to reap the benefits. 

The government is currently spending a ridiculous amount on care homes, pensions and the NHS needs of the elderly. By relocating them to one governmental facility, the economic benefits will be vast. The savings will help us focus money on areas more deserving of our spending while supporting a better quality of life for those currently suffering from austerity measures. This comfort will encourage people to spend more and create economic growth. Additionally, the extra space will solve our housing crisis as we shall utilise old care homes to provide modern accomodatory facilities for those at the foot of the housing ladder.

Moreover, as opposed to present circumstances where these people are of no real use to society, having retired from active life, they will be newly employed by simply placing them on bicycle or treadmill dynamos. We have been on an agonising search for alternative fuel which can both be relied upon and does not produce dangerous radioactive waste. Here lies the answer. The constant supply of energy provided by the movements of these relocated people shall ensure a much greener and self-sufficient power supply than fossil fuels and, with so many persons fitting into this age category, it will be much more reliable than the capricious wind or solar energy. Yet even if these supplies become exhausted, their bodies are excellent sources of carbon which will be able to keep the country running until new supplies are found. They shall be literally giving their lives for the greater good of their fellow citizens who so desperately need electricity.

This will also certainly solve the terrible crisis of an ageing population as by removing them from our sight, we shall restore vibrancy and vitality to society, inspiring a new generation of innovators and change-makers. No longer shall we have to endure the poor driving abilities of the elder generations; no longer shall there be so much bigotry towards multiculturalism and young people from those who do not comprehend social change and the broadcasting of endless auction and housing programmes will be wonderfully diminished.

It is our duty as a government to provide the greatest number of our citizens with the greatest good. Here is the solution. While it may be a sacrifice for some, the overall benefits far outweigh any drawbacks. Therefore, I beg you to support this proposal that will empower change and bring an end to the long-debated issues that threaten the integrity of this nation.